AN ANNOUNCEMENT OF MODEST PROPORTIONS
I approve this announcement,
I hereby throw my personal self into the scrum as a Republican candidate for president. What took me so long? Won’t I lag in fundraising, given how most of the major donors have been locked up, having already opened their checkbooks to someone else, a Walker or a Huckleberry or a Turnip. Are checkbooks still used?
Four years ago I had a candidate, a horse to ride. Four years we all know is prehistoric when it comes to politics. Remember four years ago? Of course you won’t. My horse was Paul Ryan. Let me remind you how cute he was with his shirt off, the most googled item in the universe at that golden moment. And, quite the intellectual, an accountant or something. What happened to him? Do you smell a conspiracy?
Let’s stay positive. Let’s not focus on my late entry, nor how this country is barreling down the road to moral depravity and government takeover. I want to focus on what makes America not only the greatest country in the world but the greatest country in history, all 6,442 years.
To preserve our freedom to be free: that is why I’m running for president. I might also mention that God told me to.